My Amazon Giftcard or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Learned To Live With A Huge Penis

(Crap...wrong 'Amazon'. I need to pay more attention...)

You might think that getting a free $50 Amazon gift card in the mail would be a good thing.

You would be wrong.

Getting a gift card for Amazon.com is a terrible thing. First off, that's like giving money to a kid in a candy shop. Except the candy shop also sells video games. And bulk soy-free mayonnaise. And yes, even a book called How To Live With A Huge Penis (I'm calling bullshit on author Richard Jacob. If it was that big, I don't think you'd have time to write a book. Or it would be one sentence long: "It's fucking great!").

And even if I did sort through all the Nazi memorabilia and electric back hair shavers and nipple shields (Side Note: WTF is that? How is it used???) and whole, dead rabbits, you can never spend the right amount of money. Got a $50 gift card? Prepare for the thing you want to come out to $54.05 with shipping and tax. Find something for $48? Good luck spending that extra $2, champ!

But fifty bucks is fifty bucks, so I guess I should dive in and buy something. But what? Hop on in and come along for the ride.

So now that I've opened all those weird items, my recommendations from Amazon should be pretty odd. Let's start there.

(Click to enlarge. Heh...'enlarge'...)

Clearly, Amazon is not going to be any help. Really? You suggest that I buy a book that is nothing but a million random numbers? Or an outlook on wood toilet seats in China for the next 4 years? Seriously, Amazon, you are no hel...wait, is that URANIUM??? OHHELLYES!!! Time to make my own power plant! I cannot click this item fast enough!

Wait, it's just a sample? Low radioactivity? For educational purposes only? So I can't eat it and get super powers? Seriously, Amazon...you've toyed with my heart one too many times. I will never trust you again. And now I'm all sad and emo too. This is what I wanted to become:

And now because of you, this is what I am:

thanks a lot amazon. oh jeez look at that. now even my typing has turned emo. i hope you're happy. joy is something i will never again see. all that is left where my heart used to be is a sad black pit of dispair. loneliness and cigarettes are my only friends now. you cant have my soul. it was never there in the first place...

*Puts on eyeliner*

*Buys $50 worth of Joy Division albums*