My Amazon Giftcard or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Learned To Live With A Huge Penis

(Crap...wrong 'Amazon'. I need to pay more attention...)

You might think that getting a free $50 Amazon gift card in the mail would be a good thing.

You would be wrong.

Getting a gift card for Amazon.com is a terrible thing. First off, that's like giving money to a kid in a candy shop. Except the candy shop also sells video games. And bulk soy-free mayonnaise. And yes, even a book called How To Live With A Huge Penis (I'm calling bullshit on author Richard Jacob. If it was that big, I don't think you'd have time to write a book. Or it would be one sentence long: "It's fucking great!").

And even if I did sort through all the Nazi memorabilia and electric back hair shavers and nipple shields (Side Note: WTF is that? How is it used???) and whole, dead rabbits, you can never spend the right amount of money. Got a $50 gift card? Prepare for the thing you want to come out to $54.05 with shipping and tax. Find something for $48? Good luck spending that extra $2, champ!

But fifty bucks is fifty bucks, so I guess I should dive in and buy something. But what? Hop on in and come along for the ride.

So now that I've opened all those weird items, my recommendations from Amazon should be pretty odd. Let's start there.

(Click to enlarge. Heh...'enlarge'...)

Clearly, Amazon is not going to be any help. Really? You suggest that I buy a book that is nothing but a million random numbers? Or an outlook on wood toilet seats in China for the next 4 years? Seriously, Amazon, you are no hel...wait, is that URANIUM??? OHHELLYES!!! Time to make my own power plant! I cannot click this item fast enough!

Wait, it's just a sample? Low radioactivity? For educational purposes only? So I can't eat it and get super powers? Seriously, Amazon...you've toyed with my heart one too many times. I will never trust you again. And now I'm all sad and emo too. This is what I wanted to become:

And now because of you, this is what I am:

thanks a lot amazon. oh jeez look at that. now even my typing has turned emo. i hope you're happy. joy is something i will never again see. all that is left where my heart used to be is a sad black pit of dispair. loneliness and cigarettes are my only friends now. you cant have my soul. it was never there in the first place...

*Puts on eyeliner*

*Buys $50 worth of Joy Division albums*

"Glass or plastic??? GLASS OR PLASTIC??!?!??"

No matter what day it is, who I'm with or whether it has anything to do with current conversation, I seem to bring up Nicholas Cage a lot. I will admit that I am a huge Nicholas Cage fan. Is there a name for such fans? A quick Google search tells me there isn't. Allow me to offer up a few suggestions:

Cageheads
Nic-Natics

The good news? The Google search I just tried did come up with two fantastic Nic Cage fansites:

Cagefactor.com: The Most Complete Nicolas Cage Fan Site
Caged - A Nicolas Cage Fan Site

I'd stay away from Caged though. It's still hosted on a Geocities page, which usually means it hasn't been updated since about 1998 or so.

I could go on about the Talented Mr. Cage for hours, so I'll try to keep this short. I think the reason Nic Cage appeals to me is because for some reason his good movies are awesome and his bad movies are even better! Proving that high school math wasn't a complete waste of time, I've developed an equation that proves this rule:

(Nic Cage*Length of Hair) + (Number Of Explosions/Awful Dialogue)/Unintentional Humor = 50 Kinds Of Awesome

Don't argue with the equation. It's science.

The other thing I love about Nicolas Cage movies is that they can be summed up in a few short sentences. Nic Cage does not make "thinking man movies". He makes movies for people like me. I like my beer cold, my Hot Pockets hot (duh) and my pointless action movies under 90 minutes. Look how easy it is to summarize some of Cage's greatest flicks:

Bangkok Dangerous: Nicolas Cage goes to Bangkok, realizes it's dangerous.

The Rock: Nicolas Cage teams up with James Bond and a guy who looks like John Leguizamo to (ironically) break into a prison, shoots a bunch of people in the process.

Ghost Rider: Nicolas Cage goes through the motions just to collect a paycheck, still winds up making an awesome movie, has flaming skull.

The Wicker Man: Nicolas Cage puts on a bear suit and punches a woman in the face.

National Treasure: Nicolas Cage steals priceless American artifacts for personal gain. Hilarity ensues.

Now take the summary for National Treasure and replace 'priceless American artifacts' with 'fancy cars' and you've got Gone In 60 Seconds! Replace it with 'a baby' and you've got Raising Arizona! Replace it with 'John Travolta's face' and you've got the movie Face/Off! What can we learn from this? it appears that in most of Nicolas Cage's movies that he's stealing something. But it's always for a good reason. Besides, how can you be mad at someone for stealing when he's given so much to society with the masterpieces he continues to churn out?

So what's next for Nic Cage? Season of the Witch, which is basically him and Ron Pearlman as 14th century knights hunting down and killing witches. Every part of that sentence makes me want to drink Mountain Dew and jump off my roof it's so awesome. After that, another Ghost Rider movie! More Nic Cage-as-flaming-spirit-of-vengeance?

God Bless America.
*salutes flag*

*shotguns beer*

Mankind To Blanket: "I Must Break You."

If late night commercials I see are to be believed (and really, why wouldn't they be?), the majority of mankind has yet to conquer the awesome force known only as "The Blanket". For years, it was believed that covering yourself to keep warm and not having it interfere with your everyday life was a fantasy, a pipe dream told to only those young enough to believe it and those old enough not to know what time it is. "You want to have a blanket on AND answer the phone? Surely you jest, good sir!" It seemed as if the blankets had won.

But over the last year or so, things have turned around. First came the Snuggie, a blanket with sleeves that let you wear the thing around the house and look like a Tibetan monk at the same time! Too good to be true? Believe it, kids.

But that's not all. The low quality of the Snuggie made room in the marketplace for a higher quality product: The Slanket. Sure the Slanket may cost a bit more, but it's heavier and warmer and won't fall apart as easily. I assume everyone else reading this goes hunting and jogging with their Snuggie/Slanket like I do, so this kind of durability is key.

For the last year, it's seemed like the good times would never end. We all expect to see people up and down the streets of America wearing their blankets at sporting events and walking their dogs and sending their kids to school in their own miniature Slankets. Surely the sleeved blanket could not be improved upon. Right?

Wrong.

If the Slanket blew your mind, to pieces, the Lippi Selk Bag will drop a nuke on it.

The limitation of the Snuggie/Slanket is that you still have to be near a couch to fully relax. With the Lippi Selk Bag (LSB), you ARE the couch! When you're wearing this bad boy, everywhere is a good place to take a nap. All you have to do is plop down right where you are and take a power nap. At the mall? In class? On the divider on a major highway? It doesn't matter where you are. LSB is there for you.

Don't make the mistake of forgetting your LSB at home. If you aren't wearing it and you take a nap wherever you are, you get downgraded from 'rad' to 'homeless guy', which is not something I recommend.

Good People/Bad Taste

Don't worry, I'm as surprised that I'm wasting my time with you as you are.

Don't worry, this entire post won't be about Nickelback. That's just where we'll start.

Wait, I'm starting a blog post with Nickelback? I don't know if this fits the bylaws. Let's go to the booth:

The Only Acceptable Times You Can "Start With Nickelback":

1. When making a "Who should we throw into a volcano?" list.

2. This blog post.

Ok good. Looks like we're covered.

I don't have to tell you all that I don't care for Nickelback. You're talking to the guy that labeled them War Criminals as recently as 2008, and they've done nothing since that time to make me think any better of them.

But this isn't about me and my anti-Nickelback stance. This is about a question that's been gnawing at the back of my mind for weeks now like some kind of flesh-eating parasite that I may have had in 2006 (NOTE: Worst trip to Mexico ever). What happens if someone I know, like and respect likes Nickelback?

This may seem like a minor problem to most, but I can't let it go. There are so many layers upon layers to this problem that I feel like I owe Chris Nolan lunch. Think about this hypothetical situation: You've known someone for years. They're quite smart and have shown impeccable judgement the entire time you've known them. You value this person's opinion and trust their judgement.

And then, maybe some drunken night, they drop the N-bomb: "Hey, I really like Nickelback!"

(Cue record scratch sound effect)

"How?" you think to yourself. "How could this simple fact have escaped me for so long?" You start doubting yourself as a friend. After all, friends don't let friends enjoy Nickelback. Clearly, all the signs were there: the Shinedown albums under their bed, their sudden interest in all things Canadian (Alpha Flight, the Vancouver Canucks, Larry Walker, etc), their claims that "Rush was more than a one-album wonder". You ignored them all. But take it out on yourself later. You've got an existential crisis to figure out.

Now what? Here are your only options:

1. Murder Your Friend

Also known as "Pulling an OJ", this is the quickest way to deal with the problem. Some may think that murder is wrong, but others may justify it by claiming that anyone enjoying Nickelback's music is already suffering enough. Time to send Secretariat to the glue factory.

2. Stay friends with this person, but never trust a word they say ever again

In this case, you're basically saying that since they're showing such terrible taste in music, you can't trust anything else they say. "Oh, you really liked The Social Network? Well you also like Nickelback, so what am I supposed to think about that?" This method may seem harsh, but it's perfect for those people that don't want to put themselves out there to get hurt again and again.

3. Consider this a one-time slip-up and give them a pass.

Really, this is the best course of action. Everyone makes mistakes. Yes, even me (I'll give you a few minutes to let that one settle in. I know it comes as quite a shock. It's ok. Take your time...). Everyone has those one or two terrible movies or bands or tv shows that they wish they knew how to quit, but just can't. Lord knows I do. Does that mean I want you thinking less of me? Of course not.

I will point out that none of those things include liking Nickelback. Seriously, that's not even excusable. Come on, just look at them!

Hey Nickelback, U2 called and they want their visual style back.

"You know what would make this picture totally rawk? A really tiny couch! Too bad there's not one...oh shit, there is! YESSSS!!!! Thanks, brah!!!"

It may seem from this post that I have something against all things Canadian, and that's simply not true. Fergie Jenkins is one of my favorite baseball players of all time. And The Kids In The Hall are awesome. And...uh...maple syrup! Love that stuff too.

That's about it though.

New Blog. Deal With It.

I don't promise to post on any kind of "regular basis". I don't promise to keep my posts "family friendly" (Could I possibly use quotation marks any more?) (ANSWER: No).

Just keep your expectations low and we'll be fine. If you don't expect too much of me, you might not be let down.

(Gin Blossoms? Anyone? Never mind.)

Just to make sure this isn't a complete waste of a post, here's another reason I love the NFL: